Another year wraps up ...

It's hard to believe that 2015 has almost come to a close (and that I haven't written on her in a very long time)!  It's been quite a year ... In fact, these last few years have been something else :-)
I've been reflecting on this past year ... At the beginning of the year I chose some words that represented themes of what I wanted to focus on in the coming year.  And then I forgot about them.  And then I remembered again.  And then I forgot about them, etc.  LOL  And yet, they were arease that I focused on.  I chose to try this, rather than setting any new year resolutions.  I really hate the word resolution - it's too boxy and confining to me.  Is anyone ever successful with their new years resolutions?!? 
My words for 2015 were:

• trust
• love
• communicate
• dream
• family
• balance
• discover

But despite the fact that I forgot about and then remembered, I would say that I was successful in focusing on these this past year!  I liked this, I will do it again ...
I learned a lot about myself in the past year - And I feel like I made the biggest strides when it comes to trust.  Trust is a scary thing and I learned some bad lessons at a young age around not trusting or not being able to trust.  I have come a long way from my childhood and yet I still uncover things I didn't know were still lingering, this was a big one!  Learning to trust hasn't been easy, it has been downright uncomfortable at times, but I have learned in this past year that at times when my partner and I don't see eye-to-eye or argue or are annoyed with one another (we're not perfect and we're figuring out how to communicate), that this doesn't mean we stop loving each other or being committed to being in a relationship with each other.  It may sound like common sense, but it was something I have had to learn in order to stop walking on self-created egg shells and stop my fear of getting hurt and trusting.
I heard something this year that really resonated with me:

"Love is a choice, not a feeling or an emotion.  It is a decision you make every day of your life."

I didn't write down who said/wrote it, but it's something I have recalled throughout the year and I have consciously chosen love on many occasions - love for both myself and for others.  And it isn't always easy to do this!  Whether its fear, or hurt, or pride, many things can get in the way of love and recognizing this has made it easier to make this choice!  And something else that really stuck out to me this year were these words, that go along with choosing to love:

"You do not commit to someone because things are perfect, you commit to them in spite of the fact that they're not.  Commitment is  not just an arbitrary word to be found in the dictionary.  It is no just a statement of temporary monogamy.  It is a pledge, a vow, a way of living that embodies honour and integrity.  Commitment is not a rule, or a regulation - it is an action.  Commitment is not an act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts - your time, your emotions, and your heart."

Some of my chosen themes are still works in progress - especially balance.  I'm still struggling to find the right balance between work, being a mom, being a partner, family and friends, and time for myself.  Life seems to be speeding by at a rather alarming rate (something I'm sure all parents, step-parents, grandparents and pretty much everyone else thinks as well) and often important things get put aside "for now" and then get lost in the mix.  I'm learning to take a few minutes each day for me, I'm learning ... It's a work in progress!
For the life of me I cannot remember why I chose the word "discover" and yet I have discovered much over the past year - I have discovered areas of myself that needed some love and attention, that I still have walls built up that I didn't realize were there.  I have discovered the joys, frustrations, and many other emotions of being a mom.  I have discovered some dreams I didn't even know I would want.  I have discovered me within my very much upside-downed world :-)  So although I cannot remember the original intent, I would say that 2015 has been a year of much discovery!
As this year is winding down, I am reflecting on my 2015 and looking ahead to my 2016 - to areas and themes which I want to focus on and continue working on in my life.  What will you be focusing on?

Secret Crushes

I was home sick today, feeling pretty blegh. So what does one do when they're home sick? Well watch crappy daytime TV of course :-) I ended up watching a show called Love Trap Not something I would normally watch or that I will likely watch again ... Anyways, the premise of the show is that someone has a secret crush and the show helps them let their secret crush know. It brought back a flood of memories to a time when I had a secret crush and worked up the courage to tell him. I had been crushing on him for quite a long time by the time I worked up the courage to do something. I tried flirting first and there were so many times that I felt things may be headed in that direction, but it just never happened. So my roomie of the time and I sat up all night on night planning how I would tell him. I had to, my feelings were interfering with my ability to be his friend. So we cooked up a plan that the next time he came over, something that happened regularly, my roomie would disappear. I remember feeling barfy nervous about the whole thing, because it was possible our friendship would be ruined and it was something I valued very much. We went over to another friends for a while, he gave me his fleece on the way home because it was cold, despite that it was cold. Such a gentleman he was ... So eventually I worked up the nerve and awkwardly blurted out that I had romantic feelings for him. Literally blurted out. Not my smoothest moment! And he told me he didn't share those feelings and only thought of me as a friend. Shortly after that he left. It was the first time he left without giving me a hug. I was beyond devestated because not only did he not feel the same, but I'd totally read things wrong and destroyed a friendship that meant the world to me. I picked up and ran away, went on a trip to an old friends, to lick my wounds and avoid having to interact with him. And when I got home I avoided him for as long as I could (I'm much more comfy dealing with conflict now than I was back then) ... It took a long time for us to be able to be friends again and I don't believe we were ever able to recoup the friendship as it was before that moment. But I needed to be honest with him and woth myself. The story didn't end there, we crossed paths in that way a few times after that, I pines after him for years, but things never lined up. It's funny how devastating it feels at the time when things don't work out as you hoped, but now I can look back and grt why they didn't. As much as I crushed after him and loved him dearly, it wasn't meant to work out and looking at the people we both are now, we likely wouldn't have bern compatible in the long-run. I'm okay with how things worked out ... It brings to mind an old Garth Brooks song, called Unanswered Prayers.

2013

Another year is coming to a close ... A year that for me has (in my opinion) brought much change and growth my way. It wasn't the smoothest or the easiest, but I feel like I can walk away from 2013 with my head held high and proud of the things I have accomplished! I definitely stretched myself this past year. I am proud of myself for following through on a few things I wanted to do for some time ... I started to re-learn Portuguese and to reconnect with some family members I was estranged from. I tried new things and definitely stepped outside of my comfort zone a lot this past year! I rediscovered my passion for singing. I tried two-stepping for the first time. I opened my heart to someone who perhaps may turn out to be someone special ... or not. But the point is I finally closed a past chapter and am excited to see what the next will bring :-) I'm fiercely proud of the work I do, of my team and the many challenges/tough choices I have tackled each day there. I feel like I'm starting to gain my confidence as a leader. I bought my first home, which was a major decision! So I will finish 2013 with my head held high, a sense of accomplishment and an excitement for what 2014 will bring :-)

Has Anyone Seen Sleep?

I am wide awake and it is nearly 2am, my brain is feeling rather active tonight. I am in a state of flux - things are about to change in a major way and while I am excited, I am also nervous as heck too. I believe this is why my brain is being so loud tonight (this morning?). Change is hard! This change will be very good but saying goodbye will be difficult. Zoom, zoom, zoom goes my mind ... I'm not regretting my decision to change things up. I am happy about it, I was patient and it paid off. I may make other changes too ... Thoughts of that spin in my head. Enough spinning for one night, I must sleep!