Secret Crushes

I was home sick today, feeling pretty blegh. So what does one do when they're home sick? Well watch crappy daytime TV of course :-) I ended up watching a show called Love Trap Not something I would normally watch or that I will likely watch again ... Anyways, the premise of the show is that someone has a secret crush and the show helps them let their secret crush know. It brought back a flood of memories to a time when I had a secret crush and worked up the courage to tell him. I had been crushing on him for quite a long time by the time I worked up the courage to do something. I tried flirting first and there were so many times that I felt things may be headed in that direction, but it just never happened. So my roomie of the time and I sat up all night on night planning how I would tell him. I had to, my feelings were interfering with my ability to be his friend. So we cooked up a plan that the next time he came over, something that happened regularly, my roomie would disappear. I remember feeling barfy nervous about the whole thing, because it was possible our friendship would be ruined and it was something I valued very much. We went over to another friends for a while, he gave me his fleece on the way home because it was cold, despite that it was cold. Such a gentleman he was ... So eventually I worked up the nerve and awkwardly blurted out that I had romantic feelings for him. Literally blurted out. Not my smoothest moment! And he told me he didn't share those feelings and only thought of me as a friend. Shortly after that he left. It was the first time he left without giving me a hug. I was beyond devestated because not only did he not feel the same, but I'd totally read things wrong and destroyed a friendship that meant the world to me. I picked up and ran away, went on a trip to an old friends, to lick my wounds and avoid having to interact with him. And when I got home I avoided him for as long as I could (I'm much more comfy dealing with conflict now than I was back then) ... It took a long time for us to be able to be friends again and I don't believe we were ever able to recoup the friendship as it was before that moment. But I needed to be honest with him and woth myself. The story didn't end there, we crossed paths in that way a few times after that, I pines after him for years, but things never lined up. It's funny how devastating it feels at the time when things don't work out as you hoped, but now I can look back and grt why they didn't. As much as I crushed after him and loved him dearly, it wasn't meant to work out and looking at the people we both are now, we likely wouldn't have bern compatible in the long-run. I'm okay with how things worked out ... It brings to mind an old Garth Brooks song, called Unanswered Prayers.